Me And Dickie
by TentativelyKate
Summary: wow. this fanfiction is one giant lawsuit waiting to happen. NO, REALLY, IT TOTALLY IS. chapter two reveals Dick Wolf's daily schedule and Kate trying to sort some things out from 'Fault' with the big man himself. and he is no help, as usual.
1. Dearest Dickie

**disclaimer: whoa boy, he does _not _belong to me. lucky for Mr. Wolf, I do not want him as a slave, not even for sex, so he can just stay the hell away from my lawyer.**

**just so you know: this never happened. so don't start contacting me trying to get a hold of the autographed Dick Wolf photos. I am not about to rip them off my bathroom wall.**

_found on the desk of Dick Wolf between the Spring issue of Maxim and the quarterly report from the marketing office_

Dear Mr. Wolf,

How's it going, man? I have like the utmost respect for you. I mean, you run like what? Five shows? Four shows? Six shows? Something like that? And man, that is TOUGH. Stress level? Yeah, totally. So anyway, you're probably wondering who I am. My name is Kate. I sent this year's class picture. I know there are 396 of us, but I am in the fifteenth row, third from the right. Between the one puking and the kid smoking a fag- I've got the white and blue hat on. And a friendly, trustworthy smile. Yes, _very_ trustworthy. I have credentials. I'll be forwarding them any day now. I know you must be very busy this season, what with your new show and such, but I figured a little help would be welcomed in your case. Well, I offer my fan based resources to anyone, including you. I know what the fans want. If you want some of that, you can give me a call, baby.

Love and kisses, Kate

_found in the mailbox of Kate_

Dear Miss Kate,

Thank you for your interest in the show. Comments are always appreciated.

Autographed photograph enclosed.

Sincerely,

Dick Wolf

_found beside the coffee machine beneath the 'Life's a Bitch' paperweight_

Hey Wolf-O,

Do you have a street name? I think Wolf-O would be total cred.

Anywhoo, I got your letter. thanks for the picture. you're looking pretty snazzy, bro. so I've been thinking, and this is my first suggestion for the show: DONUT STAND. the station is running out of money. cragen says they should build a donut stand and sell donuts for money. the idea's a hit, and they make a lot of money. but what will they do when someone mixes up the glazed and sprinkles orders? it's a mystery only the special victims unit can solve!

I see cash. lots of cash. increased viewers. the whole she-bang.

respecting the bling, Kate

_found in the mailbox of Kate_

Dear Miss Kate,

Thank you for your interest in the show. Comments are always appreciated.

Autographed photograph enclosed.

Sincerely,

Dick Wolf

_found in the staff room beside the company gag reels_

Schmoogle,

I believe you are mistaken, since I already have a pic of you with the thumbs-up sign. I think I will scan this to Photoshop and sell it as cheap porn on the internet. college prices are rising, you know.

at any rate, I didn't see any donuts on last night's show. I am thinking you may have mistaken my suggestion about donuts for rape victims. I understand the common spelling errors that may be involved, but I am pretty sure that 'donut stand' is not spelled M-O-L-E-S-T-A-T-I-O-N. I have another proposition: hairstyles. Olivia's is wearing on me, and Elliot needs his mohawk, real rebellious, you know? Huang's is not gay enough. let's emphasize the homosexuality more, Biggs.

get back to me, Boy Toy- Kate

_found in the mailbox of Kate_

Dear Miss Kate,

Thank you for your interest in the show. Comments are always appreciated.

Autographed photograph enclosed.

Sincerely,

Dick Wolf

**in da next, much more exciting chapter: Kate makes a visit to the men's room, Dickie caves, and the entire office is treated to pastries.**


	2. Fault Is The New 911

'_fault' (the greatest SVU episode ever) spoilers- you are hereby forewarned_

_since almost everyone and their mother has basically written a story about Fault (I cannot blame you- it is th ebest ep I have ever seen), I decided not to technically join the crowd and just yell at Dick Wofl about my slight confusion. admit it, it was kind of confusing? but the OEness! (dies) THE OEness! THIS WAS THE MOST OE IN ONE EPISODE EVER! ACH! (is reborn with the miracle fo OEness) and I can't believe I have to wait until NEXT FREAKING SEASON to see them together again! GOD DAMN YOU DICKIE!(dies again)_

_so I vent..._

Dick Wolf followed a pretty tight schedule, especially on Wednesdays. Wednesdays were Lashback Day. His day went as so:

6:30- wake up to 'My Humps' on the ol' alarm, press snooze and fall back to sleep

6:40- after much deliberation, finally crawl out of bed and shuffle half-naked around Manhattan penthouse

7:00- turn on the Today show and yell insults at Katie Couric whilst dining on leftover Thai

7:40- convince your doorman that was not you bringing the latex-clad hooker home last night, then get driven to work

9:00- after a detour through Dunkin Donuts, your drycleaners, Rhode Island, and Starbucks, arrive fashionably late to work

9:02- facepalm after realizing you have a Starbucks in your office

9:30- call in secretary, tell her to announce to the whole office that it is your birthday

9:50 –stew when no one sends a present

10:10- realize you did the same thing last week, and your employees are not as moronic as you initially thought

10:25- scream at Starbucks manager for not training the baristas to make a Light Caramel Frappechino without all the damn froth

10:35- prank calls to the CSI producer's office

10:50- leave another message at Mariska's, slightly hinting at the fact that Dickie is a very popular name nowadays and any infant would be proud to have it

11:10- ignore the irked message from Mariska's, explaining in great detail what being on vacation actually means

11:35- deliberate on next season ideas: toss out Casey becoming schoolteacher in Boston, still thinking on Birth of Venus scenery for Olivia's return

12:05- log on to SVU message boards and post false spoilers about Munch's struggle with bran flakes

12:06- pat self on back for utter brilliance and deviousness

12:20- more prank calls to the CSI producer's office; this time someone picks up and uses caller ID to figure out who you are

12:30- receive fax from CSI producer's office with restraining order

1:00- naptime

2:05- take an early lunch, ignore secretarial glares

2:30- wait like five hours in line at McDonald's before yelling 'THEY'RE SELLING DRUGS OUTSIDE!' and getting the place to yourself

2:40- get chased back to the office by a hoard of angry dealers

2:45- sue their sorry asses. ah, the cleverness of you

3:00- more deliberation on next season; ignore calls from all five of your writers, since they are probably canceling for this afternoon's meeting

3:15- order a birthday cake and eat it all by yourself

3:30 –call doctor and cancel this afternoon's colonoscopy

4:10- arrive fashionably late for writers meeting

4:15- dodge "constructive criticisms" from the annoying writer in the back; why must she always suggest an OE pairing by the end of the season?

4:25- start making a tally for who asks the most 'stupid questions'

5:10- the blonde wins

5:15- have dinner with Japanese executives of Wolf Enterprises

5:35- spill sushi down Mr. Nagayami's pants when he mentions 'company merger'

5:46- swear it was a complete accident

6:00- return to office in time to catch secretary and Writer #3 doing it on your desk; force them out and use disinfectant everywhere

6:10- plan another busy day tomorrow

6:11- experience slight upset in scheduling

This slight upset was the unexpected arrival of one Kate, a dark-haired teenager decked out in a pair of Birkenstocks and a Barnard hoodie. And pants. She was definitely wearing pants.

"Mr. Wolf?" She tapped the door she had just shoved aside, smiling sheepishly. Dick looked up from his evening cigar and freshly-made schedule, and cringed.

"Um, how did you get in here?"

"Well, I would have said something to the secretary, but she was kind of busy with this blonde fellow…" She nodded behind her, where Dick's secretary and the damned writer could be seen rolling about on the floor.

Dick wrote himself a note on the side of his schedule:_ Have stern talk with Writer #3 and promptly fire him._

"So now that you're here, what do I have to do to get rid of you?" He pulled out a checkbook. "I'm a walking cash machine, in case you haven't noticed." He struck a very corny pose.

Kate cringed. "So you don't remember me?"

He cocked his head. "Are you suing me?"

"No."

"Did I sleep with you?"

"Definitely not."

"Are we related?"

"I don't think so."

"Do I have any reason to hate you?"

"I'm an OE shipper…"

"Oh GOD!" He cried, holding out a hand in feigned anguish. "That's enough! Out you go, you are unwelcome here!"

Kate rolled her eyes. "Did you get any of my mail?"

"My secretary answers business letters."

"This was fan mail."

"My secretary answers that too."

"So you really have no idea who I am?"

"Wait…" He thought for a moment. "Tawny?"

She rolled her eyes again. "Not even close."

"Okay, I give up." He shrugged. "Tell all, and then get the hell out of here."

"I sent a letter." She held up a copy; this was a large piece of pink construction paper with lots of swirly letters and i's dotted with hearts. It was signed 'Katy-Waty.'

Dick Wolf gagged.

"My name is Kate. I would have sent more letters, and maybe treated your company to donuts before warming my way into your office, but I suppose this method of arrival will do. I'm a fan of SVU."

"Uh-huh…"

"And I would have waited until next week, but I saw 'Fault' last night."

"Uh-HUH…"

"And I was pleased, though rather confused, and thought maybe you could clarify some things for me."

At this point in time, Kate removed from the folds of her hoodie a complete powerpoint presentation concerning her confusion.

"UH-huh…"

"Uh-huh."

"Uh-huh?"

"Uh-huh."

"Whuh-huh?"

"Yup." She grinned. "I'm vaguely confused by all this."

"I'm giving you three minutes and then I call security."

Kate frowned. "You're a bitch."

Dick shrugged smugly. "Your mother's a bitch."

Kate growled.

Dick yawned, hoping to move on. "So, what are your problems with the episode again?"

"Oh, I don't really have problems with it. I was just a little confused."

"That was on purpose."

"What was?"

"Your mother."

"What?"

He rolled his eyes. "I was kidding. The confusion. We did that on purpose."

"I KNEW IT!" Kate's eyes gleamed with the terror of a fan on speed. Only she's not on speed. Swear. "Of _course_ you can't give OE shippers what we _want_, so you just do it in a confusing and sideways manner."

"Um, sort of."

Kate raised a skeptical eyebrow. "So Elliot saving Olivia instead of the little kid wasn't meaningful?"

"They're partners."

"They're _lovers_."

Dick Wolf remembered why he hated OE shippers so much.

"Partners."

"Lovers."

"Partners."

"Lovers."

"Partners."

"Lovers."

"PARTNERS."

"LOVERS."

"You're wasting your three minutes."

"Damn." She hissed. "Next question: Elliot, when told by Huang that Olivia didn't make him do anything, he said 'Yes, she did.' So does that mean he loves her? And that her love for him made him do it?"

"Are all these questions about-"

"Yes, basically."

Dick Wolf let out a long sigh.

Kate growled again. "Hey, if you're going to OBVIOUSLY IMPLY it the whole episode, you can't just expect OE shippers to NOT pick up on these things! Especially when this is the most OEness you've ever had in an episode…"

"Look, I didn't write this episode. I didn't have anything to do with it."

"So who did?"

"The one rolling around out there."

"Your secretary writes episodes, too?"

"The WRITER, moron."

Kate smiled smugly. "Your mother's a moron."

"Well, _your _mother's a bitch, so who cares?"

Kate growled.

"I have one more question, and then I'll leave."

"Good."

"_Better_." She glared in shi general direction. "So Elliot told Olivia that the only things he had now were her and the job. So they're sleeping together?"

"Oh god…" He groaned.

"FINE! I'll _REPHRASE _the question!" She huffed. "Elliot says they need to keep it as partners. He says that she and the job are all he has, and he doesn't want to lose that. And then Olivia says she wants a new partner. So what the hell is going on?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No, I don't know."

"I CAME ALL THIS WAY AND YOU DON'T KNOW!" The vein on her head that normally popped out at this stage in her anger began to pop. It began to pop out SINISTERLY.

"Can you leave now? Because I have a lot of very important meetings to attend…"

Kate was not happy. Kate was not pleased. But Kate left.

And Kate planned to return.

Meanwhile in his office, Dick Wolf turned to today's schedule.

Next on the agenda was:

7:30- leave early and make prank calls to CSI producer from payphone.

Well, it sounded good to him.

…

**in the next, much more exciting chapter: dinosaurs rampage the capital and Kate is forced to learn karate from an aging coatrack! **


End file.
